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Joke and cartoon thread

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  • #46
    Wife's Diary:

    Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

    I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at
    the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

    The conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we
    could talk.

    He agreed, but he didn't say much.

    I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing."

    I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

    He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry
    about it.

    On the way home, I told him that I loved him.

    He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior.
    I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you, too.”

    When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted
    nothing to do with me anymore.

    He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

    Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.

    But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else He fell asleep; I cried.

    I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

    Husband's Diary:

    A one-foot putt... Who the **** misses a one-foot putt?

    ************************************************** **********************************
    Brittany was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.

    Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

    Sarah's favorite rooster, old Clyde was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Clyde's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming would run for cover.
    To Brittany's amazement, old Clyde had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

    Brittany was so proud of old Clyde she entered him in a show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Clyde the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

    Clearly old Clyde has was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

    Be careful. You can't always hear the bells.

    Last edited by Qwikdraw45; 08-13-2018, 09:40 AM.


    • #47
      A woman, married three times, walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

      'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type and color are you looking for?'

      The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'

      The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for
      brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be

      'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, 'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it
      or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first time bride...

      You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel...

      My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.'

      'What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk.

      'That one was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be......but nothing ever happened...'


      • #48
        An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
        The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
        85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
        The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
        "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
        The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
        The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."


        • #49
          A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
          He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
          She replied, "I'm having a baby."
          With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
          She said, "He sure is."
          Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
          She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
          With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked...
          "Then why did you eat him?"


          • #50
            Sam and Fred were out golfing, and as they approached the tee for the fifth hole, Sam turned to Fred and said, "Those two ladies on the sixth tee are too slow. Why don't you run up there and ask if we can play through?"
            Fred jogged up to the sixth tee, and just before he got there, he turned and ran back to the fifth tee as fast as his legs could carry him! "I can't talk to those ladies! One of them is my wife and the other is my m*stress! You go up and ask them!"
            Sam jogged up to the sixth tee, and just before he got there, he turned and ran back as fast as his legs could carry him! As he approached Fred, he exclaimed, "By God, it's a small world, isn't it?"


            • #51
              A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
              She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the **** off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
              The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
              Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
              As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."


              • #52
                It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
                When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.
                At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.
                The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
                At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.
                At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.
                Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
                When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
                "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, ".....but what's the dollar for?"
                "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?"
                He said, "...Scr*w him .........give him a dollar."
                The blonde then blushed and said, "....But the breakfast was my idea."


                • #53
                  Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
                  Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
                  When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
                  His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
                  "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
                  A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad.
                  "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"


                  • #54


                    • #55
                      Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”

                      “What does that tell you?” Holmes questioned.

                      Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”

                      Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “Watson, you retard. It tells me that some ******* has stolen our tent!”

                      ************************************************** ************************************************** ************************************************** ************************************************** ********************

                      Duncan placed some daisies on the grave of his dearly deceased mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,

                      “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?” Duncan approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A kid? A parent?”

                      The man paused a second and collect himself, then answered, “My wife’s first husband.”
                      ************************************************** ************************************************** ************************************************** ************************************************** ******************

                      This morning I lucked out and was able

                      to buy two boxes of ammo. It’s been

                      hard to find lately.

                      I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back

                      home, but stopped at a gas station where a

                      drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was

                      filling up her car at the next pump.

                      She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over

                      and leaned in my passenger window, and said in

                      a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella.

                      Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

                      I thought about it for a few seconds...

                      .... and asked,

                      "What kind of ammo 'ya got?


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