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Joke and cartoon thread

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  • #61

    Three women were sitting in a bar, (brunette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant. The brunette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other to asked how. She replied, "Well I was on top when I conceived so I will have a baby boy". The red head said, "If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I conceived. The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".


    • #62

      Paint Job A woman calls a Contractor to her house to give her a bid on painting the interior of her house. She takes him into the first room and tells him that she wants it painted pale green. The contractor writes something down on his notepad, goes over to the window and yells down "green side up". The homeowner takes him into the next room and tells him that she would like it painted rose colored. The contractor again notes it on his note pad, goes over to the window and opens it. He then yells down "green side up". The woman was curious, but continued to show him the rest of the house. In each room the contractor notes her color choice on his notepad and yells out the window "green side up". When the homeowner had completed the tour, she asked the contractor why he always yelled "green side up" when she told him her color choice, when the colors were all different. He laughed and replied I have a crew of blondes across the street laying sod.


      • #63

        Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other " Your genie really sucks at hearing doesn't he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?"


        • #64
          After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
          When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every
          problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married. On and on
          and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved
          and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she endured. Finally,
          after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up,
          walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and
          kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised
          eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist

          turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3
          times a week. Can you do this?" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays
          and Wednesdays…………..but I fish on Fridays.


          • #65
            A new convert

            $50 For the Homeless

            I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be president some day.
            Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were president what would be the first thing you would do?"

            She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed.

            "Wow... what a worthy goal." I told her, "But you don't have to wait until you're president to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where homeless guys hang out, and you can give them the $50, you earned, to use toward food and a new house."

            She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

            I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

            Her parents still aren't speaking to me.


            • #66
              'I'm broke and haven't got any money!'

              An un-paid state worker answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

              'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

              'Go away!' said the state worker. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and he proceeded to close the door.

              Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto his hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'

              The un-paid state worker stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.'


              • #67
                No Health Care For Old Men

                ---While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with my
                friend the other day, I think we have found the solution.

                I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior, you need to
                suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care.

                A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you

                You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes,
                heart problems, etc.

                Let's take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling
                the world very soon.

                So here is our solution:

                When you turn 70, you are issued a gun and 4 bullets.

                You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives.

                Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day,
                a roof over your head and all the health care you need!

                * New teeth, great!

                * Need glasses, no problem.

                * New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart? Bring it on.

                And who will be paying for all of this. The same government that just
                told you that you are too old for health care. And, since you are a
                prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.

                And if we all do our part, we can end up in the same prison and have one
                heck of a social life.
                I really think we have found a Perfect Solution!


                • #68
                  It Pays to know Pennsylvania Dutch...

                  An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.

                  The Amish man shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in ihm geschissen!" (which means: "Don't drink the water. The cows and pigs have pooped in it!)"

                  The man shouts back: "I am a Muslim. I don't understand, nor do I care to understand your gibberish. Speak English, Infidel!"

                  The Amish man shouts back in English: "Use two hands, you'll get more!!"


                  • #69
                    I No Come Work Today!!!

                    CHINESE SICK LEAVE:

                    Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

                    The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.

                    When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.
                    You try that.'

                    Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great.

                    I be at work soon........ You got nice house.


                    • #70
                      Old Is When...

                      Old Is When...

                      1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

                      2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

                      3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.

                      4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

                      5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

                      Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.


                      • #71
                        New Supermarket

                        New Supermarket

                        The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

                        Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

                        When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

                        When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

                        The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

                        I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.


                        • #72
                          When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

                          Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more...

                          He went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

                          When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

                          Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum.

                          He went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum.

                          In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

                          He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

                          Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

                          The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

                          And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.


                          • #73
                            And that's how the fight started

                            My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

                            She said, - "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds."

                            I bought her a scale.

                            And that's how the fight started…


                            • #74
                              My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

                              "No," she answered.

                              I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

                              She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

                              So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

                              And that's when the fight started....


                              • #75
                                asked my wife, - "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

                                It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

                                "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

                                So I suggested, - "How about the kitchen?"

                                And that's when the fight started…


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