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Joke and cartoon thread

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  • #76
    I asked my wife what she wanted to do for her birth day.

    She said, "Take me somewhere expensive for dinner."

    Being the caring husband that I am, I drove her to the gas station, filled her tank, and bought her a carton of cigarettes and a Snickers bar.

    That's when the fight started.


    • #77
      A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

      She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

      The husband replies, - "Your eyesight's **** near perfect."

      And that's how the fight started…


      • #78
        tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

        Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer

        would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

        And that's when the fight started.....


        • #79
          So I sat down with my husband for conversation. He opened his mouth.

          And that's when the fight started…


          • #80
            I took my wife to a restaurant.

            The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

            "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

            He said, - "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

            "Nah, she can order for herself."

            And that's when the fight started...


            • #81
              I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!!

              He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ”I AM NOT HAPPY!!!”

              So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”

              And that's how the fight started…..


              • #82
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                • #83
                  Proud Supporter Of President Trump


                  • #84
                    I freaked out the electrician by opening the door naked. I couldn’t tell what gave him a bigger shock – whether the fact that I was naked, or that I got into his house.
                    Proud Supporter Of President Trump


                    • #85
                      A stutterer walks in to a doctor’s office and says, “Doc-c-c-tor, my s-s-s-stuttering is a real p-p-pain in the n-n-neck, please help.”
                      The doctor examines him and finally finds the root of the problem: “Well, Mr Denby, the thing is, your pecker is too big and takes up too much blood that would normally go in the brain. We have to operate and take at least a half of it off.”
                      A month after the operation the stutterer comes back for a check-up and sighs, “Doctor, it really helped my stuttering and that is a relief. But my wife is very unhappy with the situation. Could the amputated bit be sewn back on, please?”
                      Doctor: “Sorry, but n-n-n-n-no.”
                      Proud Supporter Of President Trump


                      • #86
                        Jesus can walk on water, correct?

                        Well, I can walk on cucumbers. As you may know, cucumbers are 98% water. So - I am 98% Jesus.
                        Proud Supporter Of President Trump


                        • #87
                          A man comes home and says to his wife "What would you do if I won the Lottery"?
                          She replied "Take half and leave you."
                          The man says "Okay, here's $14, get out!"
                          Proud Supporter Of President Trump


                          • #88
                            I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me. Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?
                            Proud Supporter Of President Trump


                            • #89


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